its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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