took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
