Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize