someone get that fucking seahorse.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
He has the fingertips of a God
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