Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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