tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
i need some magic done to my vagina
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
