she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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