Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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