I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
