If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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