God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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