Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
