We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
