he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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