I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
