When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
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