dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
