I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
