Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
