Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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