just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
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