On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
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