Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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