the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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