Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
