did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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