i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
