It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
