the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Randomize
