Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
