I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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