You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
