chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
