I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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