dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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