I must be too annoying 4 u.
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
