You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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