omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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