then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
