If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
