She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Randomize
