did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
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