How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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