its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
