Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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