Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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