I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Randomize
