Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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