I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
