I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize