dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
