fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i may or may not be watching the land before time
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
