My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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