I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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