this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
