Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
