My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
